Saying difficult things in such a way that people like you after the conversation is among the rarest of leadership skills.
It isn’t intuitive for leaders to know how to deliver a tough message with sensitivity, nor is it normal for those on the receiving end to feel good about the messenger afterward.
Tough messages are difficult for a reason.
The focus of the message typically challenges people emotionally, mentally, or socially. Sometimes all three.
The message may cause fear, disappointment, or shame, and it commonly threatens the personal identity or self-worth of the person who receives it.
Consequently, it is common for leaders to struggle with delivering a tough message with the directness it requires while also conveying the compassion and respect the other party deserves.
The easier pathway is to avoid the conversation altogether, or to get it over with as quickly as possible.
Both choices undermine a leader’s long-term credibility.
The better answer is for the leader to use their own humanness to deliver the message in such a way that it preserves the other person’s dignity while also completing the task of offering unpopular news.
Leaders who have mastered this skill have learned to anchor the message with purpose and care.
They begin difficult conversations by clarifying their intent to help, guide, and support the other party. When people feel the intent of the message is to help or support them, they feel respected, no matter how uncomfortable they are with the outcome.
Consider the contrast between a message that goes directly at the heart of the issue and one that displays the intent to help first.
“I know you don’t want to hear it, but this issue is undermining your success, and you need to address it,” versus “I’m raising this because I want you to succeed here, and this issue will hold you back if we don’t address it.”
The point is to make people feel respected, safe, and understood from the outset while still delivering a direct message. This is best accomplished by flagging the intention to help before declaring the unwelcome news.
Consider a few more examples:
- “My goal today is to support your development and to be honest with you because I care about your career.”
- “I care deeply about the team and your role in it, which is why it is my job to talk about something that isn’t working.”
- “I want you to know this decision wasn’t made lightly, and my priority is to do what is in the best interest of everyone involved, including you.”
- “This isn’t the outcome any of us wanted, but my intention is to be transparent about what occurred and to make sure you’re not facing this alone.”
- “What I’m about to say comes from a place of caring and fairness, even though it may be disappointing to hear.”
Mastering the skill of communicating with care and support before offering unpleasant news can be a huge difference maker for both parties.
Team members don’t grow without a tough conversation now and again. And leaders who can convey a tough message with a graceful and compassionate style typically rise quickly in organizations.
When it comes time to promote people, leaders have a soft spot for those leaders who can deliver a tough message and still be liked in the process.
