Patterns are tough to break.
They are equally hard to deny. Leaders who see a negative pattern in the behavior of others are likely to call it out. That’s only natural.
However, how they choose to raise the issue makes all the difference. Focusing too much on the pattern and not on the behavior they want others to change can escalate an observation into a full-blown conflict.
Pattern seers beware.
Statements like, “You always…” or “You never…” are highly tempting to those who recognize a pattern. But those statements box people in, with little hope for a rational response. When leaders pile on by offering a litany of examples, instances, and illustrations, they make the situation even more tense.
When confronted with a pattern via statements of “Always” and “Never,” people become wildly defensive. The more the leader elaborates, offering even more examples to prove their point, the more defensive the other party will typically become.
In the absence of any rational rebuttal to such a strong statement, the other party resorts to what they perceive as their only option. They attack the accuser or withdraw from the conversation altogether. The end result is usually a nasty conflict.
Recognizing and calling out a pattern is not the problem. Rather, the issue stems from denying others the possibility of explaining themselves. “Always” and “Never” rob them of this option.
Good leaders refrain from casting patterns as absolute. They flag the cause-and-effect patterns they see without painting them as permanent or historically inescapable.
Instead, they simply point to the pattern by connecting the dots: “When this happens, you often respond by doing this.” They avoid making generalized statements that suggest a potential flaw is irreversible.
When it comes to giving others feedback about repetitive behavior, they eschew the words “Always” and “Never.” They know that some descriptors inflame the fires of conflict.
The words leaders use can really matter. When it comes to giving feedback, good leaders omit the words “Always” and “Never.”
