When the reality of a situation conflicts with an expected outcome or goal, leaders get frustrated. The more important the goal, the higher the frustration.
As the frustration grows, so does the tension that surrounds it. As the tension builds, it requires relief, so leaders sometimes choose to express their disappointment and exasperation by complaining about, confronting, or berating the source of their dissatisfaction.
This is usually a big mistake.
Those on the receiving end of a leader’s extreme frustration typically get defensive, feel disrespected, and seek to protect themselves.
The reactions vary but often include withdrawal, upset, counter-confronting, and passive-aggressive behavior. If expressing their frustration becomes a pattern for a leader, people choose to distance themselves and stay out of target range.
Over time, trust erodes, and relationships suffer. Team members don’t do their best work for a leader who frequently and aggressively expresses their frustrations.
If you have ever been on a team with a highly frustrated leader, you know how unpleasant the experience can be.
Good leaders learn to swallow as much of their frustration as possible, and never to express it with aggression. They believe becoming highly frustrated is a choice, and how they respond when they feel exasperated is entirely within their control.
They choose to reframe their frustration and work to solve the issues underlying it rather than act aggressively to express it. T
he bigger challenge for most leaders is not how they express their frustration but what happens when they can’t address it directly. Extreme frustration feeds the urge to behave negatively and aggressively. When the source of the frustration cannot be targeted, any aggression is typically displaced onto unrelated targets.
Leaders often do this without realizing it. Displacement occurs when a leader cannot safely express their feelings or work through their frustrations with the actual source of their dissatisfaction.
Instead of engaging the source of their exasperation directly, they shift their reaction to a harmless or less threatening target. This redirection can occur because the original target is unavailable, too powerful, or inappropriate to confront directly.
For instance, a leader extremely frustrated by the pressure to perform from their own manager may believe they cannot express it due to fear of repercussions, so they take out their anger on team or family members.
Or even a pet.
Displaced frustration is almost always unconscious, which makes it even more problematic. Frustration displaced toward something or someone unrelated to the original provocation can be hard to identify.
When displacement occurs, it can be a mystery as to why the leader is acting aggressively. Unfortunately, the only way to break the spell of this harmful pattern is to call it out. Which can be exceedingly difficult.
That leaders are typically unaware that they are behaving in this fashion only compounds matters. So, good leaders operate with the belief that any pattern of aggressive behavior on their part toward those less powerful or unconnected to the source of their dissatisfaction may be displaced frustration.
Good leaders commit to never acting aggressively toward others when they feel frustrated and to acknowledging when their frustrations can’t be expressed directly as a guard against displacing them.
Expressing frustration aggressively or redirecting it toward others unrelated to it is more common than most leaders realize. That’s why keeping frustrations under control is so critical to effective leadership.
A Daily Dispatch from the Front Lines of Leadership.
