We have all experienced or seen a solid working relationship sour and end without understanding exactly how it happened. We only know the conflict between two talented parties spread over time like a deadly virus until the relationship was lost.
What caused a good working relationship to dissolve can seem like a mystery, but what occurred actually follows a common blueprint.
The pattern goes like this: A valued team member does something egregious, at least in the eyes of the leader. For instance, they fail to show up when everyone is counting on them, or they claim they are too busy to take on an important project. Because they have a plausible excuse or justification for their actions, the leader chooses not to confront them or say anything about what they consider bad behavior. Instead of discussing their displeasure with the team member, the leader keeps their disappointment bottled up.
The team member then engages in another bad act, with yet another plausible excuse. The leader now believes they are being played by the team member but conclude that unpacking their anger in an open exchange could be too explosive. So, rather than discuss their vexation, they engage with the team member in a cold or dispassionate way.
They believe they make it clear with their body language, tone, and curt statements that they are bothered, even angry. Of course, the team member is not a mind reader and remains mostly oblivious to what is going on. They figure the leader is going through a rough patch and it is best to avoid them or pretend not to notice their negative emotions.
The team member then needs the help of the leader or makes a request. The leader responds poorly or fails to respond or responds rudely. The team member takes real offense to this reaction. They are bewildered by it and don’t believe they have done anything to warrant such a response. So now they are the one seething. They, too, refuse openly to express their dissatisfaction for fear of escalating the conflict.
One thing is now clear. The leader and team member are at a standoff. Neither party will express what is or has been bothering them. The relationship continues to sour. What was once a productive working relationship now looks like the Cold War.
Both continue to be insulted by the other. In fact, they look for reasons to find distaste. They often complain about the situation to colleagues, suggesting how ridiculous the other party has become.
This negative spiral sometimes continues for weeks or months. The pattern continues to reinforce itself with each successive offense. Eventually, the team member quits, or the leader seeks their termination. No relationship can absorb continual assaults from both sides and survive.
None of this needed to happen, but breaking the pattern before it grabs a foothold in the relationship is never easy. It requires a commitment to talk openly about what bothers us before it creates a destructive and self-fulfilling cycle.
Confronting bad behavior or poor choices before they infect the relationship and create a downward spiral is crucially important in all relationships, but especially between a leader and a team member.
Good leaders learn that whatever is bothering them must be addressed early on. Finding a way to bring it up with the other party and explore it is how strong relationships maintain their strength. Solid working relationships can’t survive without a commitment to openly discuss the good and the bad. Learn to talk about what upsets you before it becomes a pattern. Your relationships depend on it.
A Daily Dispatch from the Front Lines of Leadership.
