Relationships are guided by a large set of unspoken rules.
These rules (how candid we can be, when we can interrupt, etc.) allow the parties to interact harmoniously and productively, and without unnecessary conflict.
Rules govern almost everything that happens in a relationship. Without them, the parties would be in a constant state of ambiguity or upset.
Without discussion, we agree on the appropriate ways of expressing emotion, how much we should disclose to those outside of the relationship, when we should apologize, and how quickly we should respond to each other, among hundreds, if not thousands, of other rules.
Most rules are assumed. Until one of the parties crosses a line.
Then, one of two things occurs. Sometimes we discuss the rule violation and affirm the rule or agree to a new one (“You shared what I told you in confidence to a friend. Please don’t ever do that again.”).
Far more often, we accept the trespass and let it stand. We say nothing, even though we are bothered by the rule violation.
Naturally, this means the other party is free to repeat the behavior without consequence.
Here’s the kicker: If and when the other party engages in the inappropriate or distasteful behavior a few more times without any pushback, resistance, or confrontation, then a new rule exists in the relationship.
Deciding much later, after repeated acts over time, to address the rule violation becomes much more difficult. That’s how unproductive patterns in relationships arise and become fixtures in the interaction.
There are a host of good reasons why people are sometimes reluctant to address a code-breaking behavior in a relationship, including a distaste for potential conflict, unequal status or power between the parties, and finding the right time to discuss the issue.
What catches people by surprise is how quickly a negative pattern can take hold and become a new rule in the relationship. Any behavior that is repeated can become a rule and a strong new pattern.
Understanding how this works can help people create and sustain more committed and satisfying relationships.
The key to remember is this: The rules in any relationship are negotiated and affirmed every day through the actions each party accepts.
Confronting others each time they do something that bothers us is a recipe for unhappiness and unnecessary conflict.
However, allowing a bad or inappropriate behavior or action to stand without discussion is how harmful patterns emerge in relationships. Learning to discuss such rule violations when they occur is essential.
Pick your battles wisely, but be sure to address rule violations before they spin out of control and create a pattern that is nearly impossible to break.
The choice is yours. Or be prepared to live with a bad behavior.
