Whether they seek it or not, team members depend on leaders to give them the candid feedback they need to improve their performance. Good leaders oblige with a healthy dose of direction, suggestion, and criticism.
Inevitably, some of the feedback team members receive can sting. On occasion, team members can react defensively, arguing against the accuracy of how their performance is viewed or the actionability of the recommendations.
Leaders ask those who get defensive to learn from what they hear and to get past their desire to argue and sulk. Anything less is just sour grapes and reflects poorly on them.
The tables are turned when those same leaders receive feedback from those above them. It’s somewhat surprising how often leaders react defensively when they hear criticisms from their own leader. They often put up a fight and refuse to accept even minor suggestions they don’t agree with. They plant a big doubt in the mind of their leader.
Reading the mind of the more senior leader isn’t very hard in this circumstance. They ponder this question: How can this person offer and discuss feedback with their team members and overcome resistance if they can’t do it themselves?
Leaders who themselves can’t accept feedback cause grave concern about their ability to lead others.
To avoid this doubt, smart leaders take a different tack when they disagree with feedback from their own leader. Instead of disagreeing or arguing with their leader, they ask a clarifying question or two and ask for time to digest and reflect on what they have heard.
By postponing the desire to react defensively, a leader buys themselves some time for their emotions to settle and for a more rational view of the criticism they received. Many of their reactions and arguments seem unnecessary with a little distance and time. By discussing those points they disagree with at a separate time, they don’t appear nearly as defensive or reactive.
More importantly, they project the experience their leaders hope to see. Remaining open to feedback and with a growth mindset is what all leaders want from those below them. At every level, leaders implicitly know that defensiveness to feedback is not a reaction to what is true or false, but the porous shield of a fragile ego.
When leaders can’t take feedback, they expose themselves as petty and full of false pride. We expect more from those we entrust to lead others.
A Daily Dispatch from the Front Lines of Leadership.
