Even good leaders misspeak.
They say things they wish they could retract, and sometimes go too far in their criticism of others.
This is especially damaging when discussing colleagues, peers, and team members. The likelihood that their words will find a way back to the person under examination is always higher than most leaders believe.
Once someone knows you have spoken ill of them, it is exceedingly hard for them to engage with you in the same way in the future.
Some advice is solid but hard to enact, sustain, or live up to. This is one of the all-time gems: The best rule of thumb is to only speak about others as if they were in the room with you.
Committing this rule to memory and holding yourself accountable to it is what smart leaders and team members do. They know that to do otherwise is far too easy and full of risk and potential hurt.
Learning to speak about others as if they were in the room is about consistency. Speaking with the same candor, tone, concern, and details as if those others were listening in is the key.
Altering how critical you are is made easier if you change the way you speak or the manner in which you convey your views.
When people are highly critical of a colleague, they are typically more direct, and they speak more descriptively than they usually do. Their opinions carry more force because they are less restrained.
Once their unedited views become articulated, it is much easier for them to cross the line and throw a colleague under the bus. Being more respectful of a colleague who isn’t present requires real discipline.
Adopting a respect-first mindset is never easy, especially when leaders want to be candid about their views.
Staying respectful is aided when leaders couch criticisms as questions or concerns, rather than as assertions or statements of fact. Raising a question or suggesting a concern is much more respectful than making a claim or a declaration.
Speaking honestly but respectfully, by presuming the colleague is in the room, helps to filter comments for objectivity, fairness, and kindness.
Once a leader goes too far in their criticisms of a colleague who isn’t present, they undermine the trust they need to lead. Those present wonder if the leader is equally condemning of them when they are not in the room. Trust erodes from all sides.
Good leaders and good people work hard to prevent that when speaking about anyone who isn’t there to defend themselves.
A Daily Dispatch from the Front Lines of Leadership.
