Technically speaking, tough love is “affectionate concern expressed in a stern manner.” Usually reserved for someone deeply cared for but who needs a strong message, tough love is an idea that is both demanding and compassionate.
Balancing warm and hard requires a skillful touch and is more difficult in practice than most suspect. The natural tendency to express each separately, in different moments, is what gets most leaders (and parents) into trouble.
For skillful leaders, it starts with believing in people and wanting them to be even better. Tough love presumes a caring so powerful that the leader wants to protect people from unforeseen harm. Without deep caring about the well-being and happiness of others, a tough love message becomes long on tough and short on love.
It is very challenging to push a message of disappointment or concern while maintaining a noticeable sense of support. It’s just too easy to offer tough now followed by love later, which causes problems in most relationships.
When crafting a message that is both kind and demanding, the first emphasis must be on support and caring. The reasons why the leader is proud of, believes in, or values the other person sets the foundation for what comes next. This can’t be a throwaway sentiment or brushed away quickly. Spending the time to emphasize exactly what the person means to you and why you care creates the critical context. The more specific you can be, the better.
The message that follows can’t be a suggestion or a request. If the other party really needs tough love, then there can only be one choice. The demand or directive that follows doesn’t have to be nasty or distasteful. It simply must be clear and include an instruction without any room for negotiation.
When the two sides of the message are combined and offered respectfully, people understand the good intentions of the leader even if they disagree. They may not like the directive or demand, but they will be more likely to accept it because of how it was expressed. Tough love is not a leadership style, nor should it be used indiscriminately. Good leaders reserve it for when a team member or family member engages in behavior that is causing extreme harm or conflict. Without it, some people won’t change or grow.
As difficult as it is to master, good leaders work hard at the tough love message. They even practice by giving it to themselves on occasion.
A Daily Dispatch from the Front Lines of Leadership.
