Famed psychologist Carl Jung first pointed out this insight. He suggested that what irritates us usually serves as a mirror, reflecting our own values, beliefs, and insecurities.
Most commonly, what bothers us connects with our core values.
For instance, if rudeness irritates us, it typically indicates we view respect and politeness as critical priorities. Whatever annoys, irks, bothers, and exasperates us typically reflects a value we hold dear.
Reflecting upon the annoyance and the value underlying it can lead to a higher self-awareness.
While our values commonly shape what we find distasteful, it is also common to feel disgust when we see our own flaws in others.
It’s as if others sometimes remind us about who we don’t want to be.
When we see what we don’t like about ourselves in others, we often bristle at the reflection.
Any negative traits or qualities we fail to resolve in ourselves can become a bullhorn when they are displayed by others. We react to the noise we would like to quiet in ourselves by becoming irritated.
Of course, the projection of distaste is more about us than the person we see personifying the flaw. But we don’t always let that be known.
Not everything that annoys us is about a deeper understanding. Some things that bother us shouldn’t be tolerated.
Knowing the boundaries not to be crossed in personal relationships is an essential ingredient to a healthy state of being.
But learning what irritates us can sometimes offer an important lens into what we value and what flaws we struggle to overcome.
Leaders would benefit from writing a list of the people, behaviors, and actions that bother them immensely and then reflect upon the values or personal flaws that give rise to their annoyance.
As Aristotle so wisely suggested, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”
A Daily Dispatch from the Front Lines of Leadership.
