To reduce discomfort, lower anxiety, or push aside difficulty, leaders avoid things they really shouldn’t. At any given moment, most leaders are avoiding something they need to address.
Avoidance gives them temporary control over a situation they would rather not face, and leaders like the feeling of control much more than the stress and negative feelings associated with the issue they would prefer to ignore.
But this short-lived relief from anxiety, shame, or other uncomfortable feelings comes with unintended consequences, most of which are negative.
As we all know from experience, problems don’t age well, tough decisions don’t get any clearer, difficult conversations don’t get any easier, and relationship challenges don’t get less complicated.
Worse yet, the stress associated with whatever we are avoiding builds with time. The more leaders tighten their control through avoidance, the stronger the need to avoid gets and the more stress it creates.
Those who are highly skilled at avoidance have learned to distract themselves to block out any thoughts or ruminations about the need to address the unpleasant issue or challenge.
They procrastinate to give themselves temporary relief from any negative or uncomfortable emotions and feelings. As the stress and shame mount, they dig in ever deeper, looking for new tasks and issues to consume their thoughts and feelings.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Leaders can learn how to do better. Addressing what needs to be confronted is helped by first acknowledging the desire for avoidance.
Being honest with yourself and recognizing when you are avoiding is a necessary first step in finding the courage to act. The next step is to move toward the issue and not away from it.
But this doesn’t necessarily mean addressing the issue directly or all at once.The need for avoidance is diminished by planning and small steps. Crafting a plan of action, rehearsing for the conversation, thinking through the choices, or dissecting the problem into smaller pieces produces enough action to overcome most avoidance.
Occasionally, a smaller first step will include talking out the issue with a trusted relationship or jotting down what might be said or done to address the situation.
The key is to make some small movement toward the problem. The momentum of the initial action will normally suffice to keep the ball moving and avoidance at bay.
If it doesn’t, you might try to reverse engineer the avoidance. Think through every reason why you should avoid the issue. Then counteract those reasons with logical arguments against avoidance.
Now that you have freed your brain to think more rationally, take that small step forward. Consider what issue, person, or conversation you might be avoiding right now.
Take a small step toward it. Make a plan for taking an even bigger step. Now stop distracting yourself and act. You won’t be sorry as the stress begins to melt away.
A Daily Dispatch from the Front Lines of Leadership.
