How a conflict begins is usually how it ends.
The first few minutes of a dispute set the tone for the rest of the conversation. Conflicts that begin aggressively typically deteriorate quickly, and commonly end with rancor. Beginnings really matter.
Disputes that start with one party issuing a harsh or accusatory statement set a hugely negative tone. Those on the receiving end are often surprised by the severity of the opening and view it as an attack.
Perceived to be under assault, they naturally move to defend themselves. This means responding with equally aggressive remarks and tactics. Off to the races people go.
While some leaders unintentionally begin too severely, many do so because they are upset or feel justified because the other party has done something grossly wrong. But the end result is the same, no matter the reason.
Once the leader begins aggressively, the likelihood of working through the issue fades quickly. Once a “fight” breaks out, it is almost impossible to engage reasonably and rationally.
Raising an issue or resentment more gently or softly benefits both parties. By calmly stating or describing the problem without moving quickly to blame or accusation, the dispute has a great chance to proceed peacefully, without the need to resort to inflammatory language or statements. The more upset or justified a leader feels about an issue, the more important it is to get the conversation off to a smooth start.
Good leaders don’t raise their concerns harshly nor do they rush into the evidence behind their claims. Instead, they more gently raise the issue by evenly exploring the problem and then looking for a solution or remedy.
They make the goal of any dispute about understanding how to work more productively with the other party in the future. Since they aren’t concerned with winning or proving the other party wrong, they are more likely to elevate their concerns more thoughtfully.
By disciplining themselves against a negative start and insisting that they begin a dispute more mildly, they increase the odds that reasonable discussion will ensue. A dispute that begins with a high temperature is likely to be a scorcher.
There’s no upside in that.
A Daily Dispatch from the Front Lines of Leadership.
