When a leader is about to say something hurtful, they often say things to make their actions sound more appropriate and reasonable.
They offer excuses and justifications as to why they feel compelled to say something demeaning or inflammatory and then proceed with their negative commentary anyway.
The vocabulary of justifying hurtful comments is easy to spot because everyone uses them on occasion.
Phrases that precede this bad behavior are commonplace:
- “This situation demands I say this.”
- “I have no choice but to state what we are all thinking.”
- “I’m following your lead here.”
- “We are all under a lot of stress and must air our honest views.”
- “I’m truly just trying to help here.”
- “Sometimes the ends justify the means.”
- “You will understand later why I must say this.”
- “I know this will come off poorly.”
- “I’m in a bad place.”
- “My integrity requires me to say this.”
- “Tough love is never comfortable.”
- “I need to get this off my chest.”
- “I’m going to take a chance here.”
- “I’m not trying to catch you off guard.”
Among so many others.
Leaders commonly believe that offering these preambles takes the edge off of what is going to be said or at least demonstrates that the speaker is not without self-awareness and some compassion.
Even though they do little to offset what is said or shared, leaders believe that offering them reframes their commentary to be less hurtful than it is.
This delusion has consequences. Unfortunately, using such statements actually encourages more bad behavior in the future.
Leaders who commonly offer degrading, belittling, or derogatory comments to others are typically masters at this vocabulary. They get comfortable with setting up their hurtful comments by preceding them with these simple justifications.
Ironically, because they believe these excuses and justifications make them appear more reasonable, their comments become more inflammatory. And the more negative they are, the more likely they are to justify their need to say offensive things.
This is a vicious cycle.
Good leaders don’t fall into this trap. They catch themselves using the vocabulary of hurtful excuses and refrain from sharing what they want to say, but they know will upset others.
We all say hurtful things to others on occasion. But giving yourself an excuse before you do so can turn into a harmful pattern.
Take the excuse away, and the behavior usually doesn’t occur. Work hard to change your vocabulary.
A Daily Dispatch from the Front Lines of Leadership.
