Field Notes

When author Gary Chapman described how intimates prefer to show and experience love, people finally understood why their affections sometimes missed the mark. 

In his 1992 book The Five Love Languages, he outlined the different ways intimates prefer to give and receive love: acts of service, gift giving, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. 

Chapman emphasized that people tend to go wrong by showing love the way they prefer to receive it and not the way others want it. (If you’re not familiar with Chapman’s work, please spend the time to read the book and instantly improve your intimate relationships.) 

This idea turns the Golden Rule on its head. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is a good guide but can blind us to the reality that people often prefer to receive things in ways that we don’t. As Chapman points out, this is especially true of love. It is also true of how people prefer to receive praise. 

If there were Five Languages of Praise, they might go like this: 

• The More Praise the Better 
• Praise Me About Things I Should Repeat 
• Praise Me In Front of Others 
• Only Praise Me When I Do Something Extraordinary 
• Keep Your Praise to Yourself and Show Me Respect Instead  

Presuming those five categories bear some resemblance to how people prefer to receive praise, which is your preferred Praise Language? How do you think that influences how you give praise to others? 

Knowing how others prefer to receive praise, or not, is a great way of adapting your style to fit the person. Giving everyone praise the way you like it will likely agitate people without you knowing it. 

The better idea is to know how others desire to receive praise and engage accordingly. While this may be impractical with more than a handful of people, the members of your team deserve this accommodation. 

Adapting the way you give praise to team members recognizes their uniqueness. Better yet, tailoring your praise increases the odds your affirmations will be received favorably and serve to motivate (and not aggravate) others. That’s worth the effort it takes to avoid the blanket approach of praising everyone in the same way. In contrast to a popular expression, as one leader likes to say, “One size fits one.”