There’s a controversy brewing in parenting circles, and it’s all about changing the way authority figures, like parents, give praise.
The debate has implications for leaders of all varieties, including corporate leaders. The argument that experts are making suggests that parents should never tell their children they are proud of them. At least not in the way everyone has traditionally been taught to.
“I’m so proud of you” places the focus on the parent or leader. It robs children of the intrinsic motivation to learn from their work and the outcomes they produce.
When parents tell their children they are proud of what they have done, they act as judges, declaring winners and losers. The new advice is to make the praise all about the person performing the behavior, and not about the so-called authority figure.
Instead, experts suggest replacing the praise “I’m proud of what you did” with “You should be very proud of what you did.” This sounds subtle, but it packs a big punch motivationally. By making it about the child, parents instill confidence in the child’s own choices and behaviors.
Relying on external validation from an authority figure, experts reason, turns kids into “praise junkies.” Children who become accustomed to a proud parent who constantly praises them will increasingly look to others to confirm their actions.
Smart parents would do better by focusing their attention solely on the child’s actions and not on their own authority or expertise. Leaders across the spectrum could benefit from the same advice.
In the workplace, leaders too often act “parentally” by doling out rewards and offering praise to those they deem deserving. This feels good but often creates a dependency where team members look to leaders to validate the quality of their work.
Using phrases like “You must be very pleased with what you accomplished,” and “That must have made you feel very proud of yourself,” focuses attention on the other person and not on the leader or parent.
Telling others they must be pleased, proud, or gratified about what they have accomplished places the focus exactly where it needs to be—on the quality of the work and the person who performed it and not on the leader.
Rethinking how you give praise is worth the time and effort. Good leaders often conclude that praise shouldn’t be about them. That need not be controversial.
