Field Notes

Social power changes the words we use and the reactions they create. The use of the word “feedback” is a prime example. 

When we call a message “feedback,” we do so because it comes from a place of power, status, or authority. 

What is implied in the word is that the feedback giver has the experience, expertise, knowledge, and position to offer information that is designed to improve performance or change behavior. 

Leaders who give others “feedback” expect those receiving it to take it seriously and to act on it. It is not offered as an option.

It is presented as a directive. Consider the feedback, “You’ve been late to meetings, and the team misses the chance to hear what you have to say. You need to get to meetings on time so you can share your wisdom.” 

Because the leader offers it as “feedback,” the presumption is that the team member has been given a directive and should yield to the message if they don’t want trouble. 

Not surprisingly, people naturally resist feedback and the power it derives from. 

Whenever leaders depend on authority, position, status, or power to convey a message, it produces the visceral reaction of resistance.

Ironically, this makes the message less likely to be acted on. 

But what if the leader used the same message but called it something different, something suggesting less power?

What if they labeled the message “advice” and expressed the same content? 

So, in this case, the leader would say something like, “I want to offer you some advice.

You’ve been late to meetings….” Advice is less powerful than feedback, as it implies a choice. 

The truth is, the team member has the same choice to comply or not comply with the feedback message, but in this expression, the choice is more explicit because it is labeled “advice.”

 The reduction in power lowers resistance and increases the odds that the message will be taken up and acted on.

All because of a word choice. 

Now let’s reduce power one more time. Even less powerful is labeling the message a “recommendation” or a “suggestion.” 

Again, the message stays the same, but the leader frames the content as a recommendation.

So, they say, “Can I offer a suggestion? You’ve been late to meetings….”If the leader is concerned that posing this as a question might trigger rejection, they might say something like “I want to make a suggestion…” and then finish the message. 

Once again, the risk of team member resistance drops because the message comes from a position of lower power. 

Equally important is the fact that a recommendation is about the future.

It is difficult to respond negatively or defensively to something that hasn’t happened yet. 

A message couched as a recommendation or suggestion is almost always well received. Very few team members will be uninterested in hearing your suggestion.

The same is true with partners, spouses, friends, and children. 

By reducing power, you make everyone in your life more receptive to your feedback. 

In fact, we might go as far as to say that leaders should get out of the feedback business and get into the recommendation and suggestion business—permanently. This is not to say there is never a time for feedback. 

Sometimes a leader needs to use their power to make an important point that can’t be ignored, such as in formal performance reviews. 

But in most situations, there is little upside in offering “feedback.” 

We know of very few people who look forward to receiving criticism or feedback, but many people who are perfectly willing to hear any suggestion or recommendation that might improve their performance. 

Can we recommend you stop giving feedback and start giving suggestions instead?