Field Notes

Good relationships share qualities of feeling trusted, respected, valued, and heard. When one party feels as if the other party is denying them one of those critical ingredients, conflict often emerges. 

The party who believes they are being mistreated acts out to express their dissatisfaction with the relationship. This creates an ongoing struggle that now engulfs both parties until they work through the conflict with a remedy or way to manage the dissatisfaction. 

But before one or both parties can address the conflict, they must first understand what has created it. This is where things get strange. 

Here’s an unusual pattern commonly found in most conflicts. People express their relationship dissatisfaction through issues of content. Rather than tell the other party they feel disrespected or unappreciated, they go a different route. They become more disagreeable, testy at times, argumentative, and contrarian. They fight over small things that normally don’t bother them. In other words, they display their relationship conflict through content. 

In many cases, people don’t even know they are doing this, which makes it doubly difficult for either party to understand and address what is really going on. Only by appreciating the contradictory way people express relational conflict can the parties come to air out what is happening and how to resolve it. No wonder so many conflicts continue to escalate, as both parties remain confused as to exactly what the struggle is over. 

Smart leaders come to know this and remain vigilant for the pattern. They know that when people complain about seemingly insignificant details, grouse over small issues, and denigrate the ideas of others, it is commonly because they feel untrusted, unheard, or disrespected. Addressing that issue, rather than the smokescreen of petty content disagreements, allows leaders to work through the conflict with relative ease. 

The next time you encounter two people who are frequently at odds over minor points of contention, consider whether the conflict is really about the relationship qualities one or both parties are dissatisfied with. Maybe one of those people is you. Address what is really at issue, rather than follow the path that appears well-lit. When it comes to conflict, what looks straightforward can sometimes be the opposite.