Some people live in denial of the flaws that plague them.
They refuse to accept any reality or facts that make them too uncomfortable. To preserve their self-image and to avoid shame or anxiety, they vehemently disallow any acknowledgment of a pattern known well to others.
By minimizing its significance, they rationalize that others are making more of something than it deserves. This allows them to keep their heads firmly in the sand.
Leading a team member or colleague in denial of a flaw that affects others negatively is among the toughest assignments leaders face.
Many leaders have learned the hard way that simply confronting those in denial with the facts usually makes matters worse. The result of that approach is a person who is both in denial and acts defensively.
What makes the situation even harder is the fact that many people in denial are empowered to do so by others. They purposely surround themselves with people who accept their particular flaw and seek out an echo chamber of support from those they know won’t confront them.
Among the strategies leaders often turn to are to disengage when the person repeats the defect, or reward them with praise anytime they interact without falling into the same dysfunctional pattern.
Neither approach is known to be particularly effective.
Leaders who mirror the negative behavior by doing it themselves in front of the offender, sometimes in an exaggerated way, make a point without saying a word.
For instance, a team member who is in denial that they talk too loudly may realize they must confront this issue when their leader talks loudly on purpose to make the point and suggest that they are being annoying.
By becoming a living example of the flawed behavior or pattern, a leader lets the action speak for them, often without any commentary.
The risk is that the offender and others watching the act may perceive the leader as mocking and take strong offense to the mirroring. This fear is well-justified.
But it is sometimes worth the risk, especially with a particularly negative pattern that has extreme consequences for others.
Leaders must do their best to make others aware of a flaw and influence them to do something about it. Those affected need their help. And so do the deniers.
In addition to the negative effect an unaddressed dysfunction has on others, living in denial stalls personal growth and escalates conflicts in relationships. So, leaders are doing everyone a favor if they can shake a denier into addressing a consistently bad behavior.
The worst lies are always the ones we tell ourselves.
