Some highly valued team members consistently respond emotionally to any setback, complex problem, or minor disagreement.
For a host of possible reasons, these colleagues seem hard-wired to respond intensely to all kinds of situations that wouldn’t bother many others. They cry, express anger or frustration, become sad and melancholy, or become fearful and defensive far too quickly.
With the exception of leaders trained in counseling or therapy, those who manage such team members can become quite uncomfortable in these somewhat mystifying moments of strong emotion.
Of course, common drivers for fathomless emotionality include personal stress, cognitive overload, past experiences or trauma, or a simple lack of self-awareness and self-regulation. But for leaders who must manage and oversee them, the root cause really doesn’t matter much.
They need to know what to do in response.
For starters, it is essential that leaders accept that not everyone can respond with the emotional evenness that they prefer. Some people are wired very differently, and sometimes those differences encourage them to express their feelings more openly.
Good leaders don’t try to “fix” or change emotional team members. As long as they contribute to the team and are not disruptive, leaders must learn how to lead them more effectively.
Rule number one is to label the emotions they are expressing. Scads of research confirm that giving emotions a label lessens their intensity. Saying, “I can tell you’re frustrated,” “I can see you’re angry,” or “I see you are upset,” can give emotions a label that reduces their heat. Do your best to label the emotion and to remain nonjudgmental.
Rule number two is not to engage in substantive conversations when emotions are in high gear. High emotionality clouds judgment, slows down decision-making, and amplifies opinions and viewpoints. Asking emotional team members to take a pause, regroup, and come back to the substantive issues later is almost always the best course of action. This doesn’t mean to end the conversation. Validate what the team member is feeling if you can. Discuss the issues later at a time when they can regulate themselves and stay on point.
Rule number three: If a significant pause or time out does not reduce the emotionality they feel, ask them to put their viewpoints and issues in writing so you can read them before discussing. Articulating their views in writing gives the colleague a much-needed distance in discussing them.
This way, their emotionality will not get in the way of the substantive points they want to make once the discussion resumes.
Good leaders remember there is a genuine honesty in emotions that is as refreshing as it is uncomfortable at times. Emotionality carries conviction along with the noise.
