At least four distinct conversations occur in relationships and in groups:
- Discussion
- Discourse
- Dialogue
- Debate
Whereas discussions explore topics by asking participants to engage others and advocate for a preferred outcome or position, discourse is an exchange of information without an outcome yet in mind. Think updates or briefing conversations.
In contrast to discussion and discourse, dialogue is an inquiry-focused conversation that asks those involved to excavate meaning and explore the underlying assumptions about a topic or issue while keeping advocacy at bay. Dialogue allows the participants to explore questions without a correct or preferred answer, thereby creating shared understanding about how those involved make sense of or experience the issue.
Debate, on the other hand, asks participants to advocate until there is a clear winner. This is a competitive exchange where one party convinces others that they are right and therefore have won the argument. Debate promotes forceful opinions grounded in evidence that is marshaled to persuade others to concede.
There is a time and place in relationships and groups for all four conversations as the means to achieve a desired outcome. While dialogue is the least used conversation in any but the best teams and relationships, it is debate that is most problematic for leaders.
Leaders who relish debate and operate from this competitive exchange often do so without clarifying the reason they have selected this conversation to achieve their desired goals. In fact, some leaders use debate as a default and treat most conversations as a competitive struggle to reach the best answer.
Dealing with a leader who treats nearly every conversation as a debate is a heavy burden. The energy, edge, and force required to compete in a debate with the leader wears people down and unnerves them.
Team members who find themselves in a never-ending debate format with a leader either come overprepared to argue for their views or quickly become defensive because they lack the wherewithal to compete. Conversing from the backfoot in a defensive position is neither comfortable nor fun for team members. They normally do everything to avoid talking with the leader about almost anything.
Not good.
Leaders who prefer debate would be wise to mix it up more often and recognize the distaste they create through continual competitive exchanges. Debate is a valuable conversation when choosing between two options with strong advocates on both sides.
The best leaders save this particular conversation for the moments when a forced choice is needed. As a default, they rely more heavily on discussions, dialogue, and discourse to get things done.
