Some leaders can’t stop themselves from disclosing too much.
They make others feel awkward and uncomfortable whenever they share too many personal issues and details. They may mistakenly believe people will feel more connected to them, or perhaps they share too much to elicit sympathy or caring.
Whatever the case, when leaders reveal too much about themselves, team members get a creepy feeling that undermines their confidence and trust.
Given the contemporary focus on authenticity, openness, and vulnerability, setting clear boundaries isn’t always easy.
Leaders who tell others what they really think and feel about issues normally enhance their credibility. We like leaders who are more open and honest about what they think.
But this doesn’t apply to their personal lives or deeply held suspicions or complaints.
When leaders cross the line and overshare, they make people nervous. Those on the other side get cautious and do their best to escape the awkwardness they feel. They avoid unnecessary conversation and maintain a superficiality to prevent more oversharing.
They naturally wonder if the leader is socially inept or if something else is going on. All the while, they ponder how to navigate these embarrassing exchanges.
Leaders who overshare are commonly oblivious regarding the strain they put on others. They often misunderstand that social connections deepen in stages and that even in the most trusted professional relationships, there are boundaries that should never be crossed.
As people pull away from them, they often feel the need to disclose even more to reestablish their connection. This can make conversations exasperating.
So, what should a team member do?
Team members can help leaders who overshare by validating the conversation and then abruptly changing the topic.
A few examples:
- “You are right. Marriages are hard work, so what is our priority this week?”
- “We all have problems with our kids. What are we doing about the customer feedback we received?”
- “No one gets enough intimacy these days. The upcoming meeting needs an agenda.”
By abruptly shifting topics, those on the receiving end draw a boundary line that is difficult to breach. Over time, leaders learn that team members are uninterested in exploring such personal issues further.
Sometimes they even learn to regulate their emotions and stay in the safe zone of disclosure. Everyone benefits when they do.
A Daily Dispatch from the Front Lines of Leadership.
