Leaders who express disappointment in people can unintentionally create a tsunami of doubt and insecurity.
When leaders prefer not to be so direct, it becomes challenging to offer criticism without causing alarm.
One simple expression can come to the rescue and get the job done with more subtlety.
When used to convey feedback, the expression “I’m surprised” carries a payload of disappointment powerfully but indirectly.
“I’m surprised” is a strategic and nuanced way to deliver feedback, signaling that the speaker’s expectation has been dashed and opening the way for a discussion to explore why. Leaders often use it to soften criticism and to encourage the other party to learn more.
“I’m surprised by your decision,” suggests the speaker likely disagrees with the choice, but prefers not to say so directly. It also encourages the other party to find out why.
“I’m surprised the report was submitted late” conveys that the leader finds the transgression inconsistent with their experience. “I’m surprised you’re comfortable saying that” points to incivility or rudeness and the need for the offender to reassess their language. “I’m surprised at the tone of your email” asks the writer to reconsider the style of their writing.
In each case, the expression of surprise indirectly conveys disagreement or distaste. But the power of the expression lies in the fact that it is exceedingly difficult for those on the receiving end not to inquire about why the leader was surprised.
Unknowingly, any follow-up inquiry opens the door to a more direct feedback discussion, but one typically generated by the offender. If the other party chooses not to respond, it usually means they are disappointed in themselves as well.
To reduce resistance and defensiveness, good leaders find more indirect ways of offering harsh feedback and registering their disappointment.
“I’m surprised” has many meanings and implications in everyday language, but when used to convey feedback, the expression is highly strategic. Consider adding it to your repertoire of effective ways to make a point without fully admonishing people.
But be careful not to use the expression after a good outcome or competent performance. In that context, “I’m surprised” is a back-handed compliment at best and an insult at worst. “I’m surprised you presented so well” will undoubtedly be interpreted as a lack of confidence in the other person’s skills and not as a compliment.
Good leaders depend upon a multitude of expressions to carry their negative feedback and disappointment without causing alarm or defensiveness. The expression “I’m surprised” is yet another option.
Frankly, we’re surprised you haven’t considered the full power of this phrase before.
