Saying “No” to requests and invitations can be excruciatingly hard. Leaders don’t want to let others down or miss an important opportunity. Like everyone else, leaders like to be liked and know that accommodating requests for their time and insight put them in a positive light.
Unfortunately, saying “Yes” comes with a significant downside. When leaders say “Yes” to others, they are often saying “No” to their own priorities. To achieve their own work, goals, and vision, leaders must learn to say “No” more often.
To soften the negative feelings leaders believe they create when saying “No,” one highly effective strategy is to replace a “Yes” with something different. In conversation, this strategy sounds like this: “I can’t do that, but I can do this.”
Here are some examples:
• “I can’t attend the offsite, but I can appear on a videoconference link.”
• “My schedule doesn’t allow me to interview the candidate, but I can send over the questions I would have asked.”
• “I can’t meet you for dinner, but I can meet you for a cocktail.”
• “I don’t have the time to read your draft report today, but I can peruse it by next week.”
• “I can’t speak at your meeting, but I can ask one of my colleagues to do so.”
• “I can’t introduce the speaker, but I can compose the script.”
This strategy softens the “No” by offering an alternative that allows the leader to maintain control over their time. It is not important whether this replacement is accepted as much as that it is offered.
People appreciate that a leader has been thoughtful in their reply and values their request highly enough to suggest a substitute choice. In most cases, those making the request will feel supported by the response, even if they politely decline the replacement.
The next time you must reject a request or invitation, consider the “I can’t do that, but I can do this” approach. Your willingness to help or support the request in a limited way makes your rejection more palatable. In essence, it is the polite way of telling others that they matter but not more than the work you need to do.
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