Field Notes

People say the meanest things when they are angry. 

Anger removes the filters people use to edit themselves. It creates a conversational urgency, giving people a sense that something they are thinking or feeling must be said now. 

So, people let their guard down and tell others what they are truly thinking and feeling. Social norms and etiquette immediately become less important than speaking one’s mind.

Because anger reduces self-control and lowers inhibition, people are more likely to blurt out what they’re thinking instead of editing it. 

Anger narrows attention and amplifies the negative. When people get angry, they zero in on what feels unjust and threatening to them. 

This encourages them to voice thoughts they have been holding back. That then translates to statements that are more extreme and inflammatory. 

But is what they say really what they mean or believe? 

Comments made in anger are often thought to be highly candid and a true reflection of what people really think and believe. That’s why what is said in anger is often so hurtful. 

But just because people say it doesn’t mean they believe it. Anger typically produces highly unreliable candor. 

Thoughts expressed in anger are commonly rash, impulsive, and underdeveloped. They arise from emotion, not thought. 

The paradox is that what people say in anger is not always an accurate reflection of their honest feelings. 

Because people believe they are defending themselves, they sometimes say things that intentionally hurt or shame the other party. They may or may not really believe what they are saying. 

Studies show that people often say things in anger that surprise even themselves. What felt true or necessary in anger often feels exaggerated and dishonest later. 

When trying to interpret the truth behind what is said in anger, the best guide is to presume the person has revealed underlying concerns rather than a final and reliable account of what they believe. 

Rather than perceive the statements expressed in anger to be the true feelings or beliefs of the other party, it is commonly more accurate to presume they represent an underlying truth, but not necessarily the truth itself. 

It is often difficult to recover from angry statements. 

Concluding too quickly that they are the candid views of the angry party makes them even harder to forget or forgive. But people frequently say things they don’t really mean, especially in anger. 

This does not excuse others for their brutish behavior. Statements made in anger are unnecessary and usually regretted later. The best idea is not to engage when angry to begin with.

But when angry statements do come flying across the room, they are not always an accurate reflection of what people truly believe. Knowing that makes them hurt a little less.