Senior leaders will remember the phrase, “Doesn’t get along with others,” from their formative school years. Citizenship, the ability to collaborate and get along, was once a mainstay of student evaluation.
Receiving a “Doesn’t get along with others” report suggested a child who was selfish, defensive, and socially aloof.
Sadly, leaders could give the same evaluation to certain team members on occasion.
Some colleagues have a difficult time forging strong peer relationships. Even when they are good at what they do. They are often sideways with multiple colleagues at the same time.
For a variety of reasons, colleagues move away from them rather than toward them.
Explanations abound: Bluntly honest, low self-awareness, social anxiety, deep insecurity, extreme defensiveness, highly judgmental, overly opinionated, controlling nature, self-serving attitude, combative communication style, or results-only focus. Take your pick.
Team members who don’t get along with their colleagues affect the team. The interaction changes whenever they are in the meeting or room.
This poses quite a dilemma for the leader. When someone degrades how the team functions as a whole, it falls to the leader to find a solution.
Good leaders don’t get caught up in diagnosing the personality of the troubled team member. They focus on the behaviors that produce the problem and help the team member eliminate or correct them.
Changing day-to-day behavior is the best strategy.
To begin this correction, the leader must first explore with the team member how aware they are of the problem.
Asking and not telling them is critical.
Questions like “How do your teammates react to you?” and “What’s your read on how team meetings are going?” are conversation starters. At the end of this exploration, the leader must make clear that the issue lies with them first and foremost.
The next step is to reset expectations for their behavior. What it means to be a “good teammate” behaviorally must be crystal clear.
The leader must make sure they understand that collaboration is a key aspect of their performance. And that they are responsible for making this work.
The most essential move is for the leader to ask them to repeatedly enact a specific behavior — depending on what has been derailing their connection to others.
For instance, if the team member has frayed relationships because they advocate too strongly or shoot down ideas, then the leader might propose that they ask a clarifying question before making any statement or criticism.
Or if they consistently interrupt and talk over others, the leader might recommend that they wait two to three seconds after others stop talking before they interject.
Once the leader has a theory about what the team member does that bothers, upsets, or annoys others, they can propose a behavior that offsets the negative effects. Of course, speaking to the team to learn why they have rejected this teammate will inform the conclusions the leader will make.
Personalities don’t clash. Behaviors do. By replacing or introducing new behaviors, leaders can coach the troubled team member to greater acceptance and success.
The best leaders don’t coach attitude. They coach actions that others can see and feel. Sometimes, small behavior shifts can fix big relationship problems.
