The line between acting assertively and behaving aggressively is not as thin as most leaders believe. They are distinctly different approaches to how leaders attempt to get what they want from others. In reality, they are hard to confuse.
Assertive leaders are forthright about their wants and needs, making it perfectly clear they hold a view or position they believe is right. In a constructive and respectful manner, they express their views confidently and directly while considering the views and needs of others at the same time. They win the day through persuasive appeals and persistence, often standing their ground and holding firm to their beliefs and values.
If and when a leader steps over the wide line and becomes aggressive in order to achieve their goals, they resort to tactics that disregard what others think, feel, or need. By using their power, status, or influence, they force their opinions and needs on others, often overpowering them through displays of disrespectful behavior.
To get their way, aggressive leaders turn to cutting sarcasm, shouting, invading personal space, barbs and insults, interrupting, implied threats, talking over others, or staring others down. Leaders who choose to be aggressive will do whatever is necessary to achieve their goals, even if it damages their credibility and harms relationships.
Assertive leaders, on the other hand, speak with confidence and set an example for others to be equally vocal about their views. They are insistent without being overly forceful. They persuade instead of coerce. They respect the boundaries of others while setting their own. They calibrate their tactics to be mindful of what others think and feel.
It goes without saying that good leaders are assertive and work hard not to act aggressively. But when issues and outcomes are highly charged and the consequences are extremely important, even well-intentioned leaders can act too forcefully without being mindful of their choices. Once they act aggressively and get their way, it becomes easier for them to engage with hostility in the future.
Aggression is always disrespectful, so it is the giving of respect that prevents good leaders from becoming inappropriately aggressive, rather than assertive. That’s why good leaders are highly respectful of others at all times. By adamantly holding themselves to the standard of respect for self and respect for others, they behave assertively without instilling the fear and intimidation created by aggression.
Aggression is just another name for contempt. The best leaders remember that.
A Daily Dispatch from the Front Lines of Leadership.
