Some team members don’t know themselves well and fight the same demons on many days. They need to come to grips with the character flaws that make them less effective than they should be.
Some are too reactive, others too emotional, some lack clear values, others live in a state of anxiety. Some are too impatient, others too reticent, some are too dominant, others prefer drama by constantly stirring the pot. You know the list.
Leaders bear the responsibility of setting the record straight and pushing team members to grow and develop by working hard to overcome their weaknesses. But making deep character flaws explicit, no matter how good a leader’s intentions might be, will often produce resistance and rejection. All of us have a difficult time staring in the mirror and admitting our defects. And we all have some.
Knowing they will likely produce defensiveness and resistance to the message, the best leaders do something worth noting. They start with themselves. They point out their flaws and areas for development. They describe how they have battled these blemishes and admit their struggles with them by painting a vivid picture.
Then they turn to the team member and ask, “What about you?” By starting with themselves and admitting their flaws with a genuine vulnerability, leaders level the playing field and wipe away the defensiveness that undermines a productive conversation.
Of course, some team members may deny some of their most critical flaws because they don’t know or see themselves well. But that is exactly the point of the conversation. Leaders hold up a mirror, point it at themselves first to reduce resistance, and then turn it toward the team member.
Getting even a glimmer of recognition and charting a path toward working on circumventing or changing these imperfections is why this feedback conversation is so important. Good leaders know the power of getting others to admit their weaknesses when given the support to confront and overcome them. True growth and long-term effectiveness depend on an honest evaluation of what might be holding us back.
Great leaders don’t duck this responsibility, even though they know the conversation may be very uncomfortable. They start with reflection on their own flaws to reduce the stress and resistance others might feel. In fact, they know that honest self-deprecation is often a great way to reduce defensiveness in others. As in so many difficult situations, it starts with the leader.
