We desire distinct outcomes from the conversations with have with our most confidential partners.
Sometimes, we want help fixing our issues and problems. At other times, we just want an ear to listen to us and validate our experiences. And on some occasions, we just want to share, connect, and learn from someone we respect and like.
This isn’t a source of conflict, unless the conversation you want and need is not the one I want and need. That’s when people get sensitive and combative, leading to a struggle that rarely ends well in the moment.
When I need you to listen to my problem and you offer suggestions in an attempt to fix my issue, frustration takes over. When you just want to catch up and connect, and I want to focus on work issues and things that are bothering me, the conversation quickly becomes tedious and burdensome.
Learning to synchronize the conversation based on the needs and desires of both parties is essential for creating the shared understanding we seek in our relationships.
As a broad generalization, we can lump conversations into one of three buckets: Practical problem-solving, emotional validation and sharing, and social connection. When both parties agree as to the conversation we want to enact right now, things go much more smoothly.
This isn’t hard work. Simply telling others what we need from the conversation, and what we don’t, will usually do the trick. If the parties have different needs, it is typically easy to have one conversation at a time, fulfilling the desires of both people.
Of course, synchronizing the goals for the conversation doesn’t happen very often. This is because both parties presume the other person knows what they need and they dive right in. The mess that can sometimes ensue is imminently avoidable IF ONLY we took the time to synchronize first.
Give it a try the next time you sit down to have a conversation with someone important to you. Make it a habit if you can. You’ll both be happier for it.
