Regardless of what you say or how you say it, some people will take it personally. That is another way of saying they think you are attempting to offend them when you are not.
Because any statement or question can be interpreted as an insult, assault, or accusation, those who are defensive or hyper-sensitive to criticism often think others are attempting to discredit them when that is not the case.
While existing conflict or past experience can give rise to this negative interpretation in a given instance or relationship, some people apply this mindset to most of what they hear or learn from others.
This makes them quickly defensive and combative whenever they receive information directed at their performance. This can make interacting with them difficult at times, and the experience of giving them feedback excruciatingly painful.
At the heart of taking things personally is insecurity. Those with this affliction interpret comments directed at them through a lens of vulnerability. To protect themselves, they act defensively, sometimes extremely so.
What is causing that insecurity will differ from person to person and situation to situation. But what doesn’t differ is the effect this self-doubt has on how they see others judging them. Leading or working with people who take things personally can prove highly challenging.
For instance, a question like, “How is the project coming along?” might receive a response such as “I’m doing the best I can!” or “You asking questions isn’t helping me finish it.”
Leaders can be at a loss as to what to do or say next. In too many cases, leaders refrain from saying anything with the hopes of avoiding upset or a negative response. That usually doesn’t help, as nearly any remark can set off a firestorm of reaction or a sullen or disappointed disposition.
And telling the insecure colleague they are acting defensively or interpreting things incorrectly usually exacerbates the situation, making them even more defensive. Unfortunately, there isn’t much a leader can do to offset this instability.
But good leaders don’t surrender and remain silent when it comes to important exchanges and feedback, no matter how sensitive someone is. They explain, repeatedly if they must, that feedback is an essential part of the learning process, and it is their job to help people grow and develop.
They must then commit to clarifying their intentions prior to any discussion whenever it is feasible. Remind folks like this that your intention is to help and not harm with whatever remark you offer. This is the tedious work of giving them the lifeline they need to fight their base instinct.
The more consistent the leader is, the more likely the evidence will demonstrate that they are engaging and operating in good faith and without a desire to harm, harshly judge, or offend the easily slighted colleague.
This requires real patience and can test even the best of leaders. Some tests a leader faces are bigger than others. This is one of them.
A Daily Dispatch from the Front Lines of Leadership.
