When future WNBA player and college star Bianca Cuevas showed up on the University of South Carolina’s campus, she wore a shell of protection from the many tragedies she experienced in her life.
Having grown up in the Bronx without parents, Cuevas didn’t trust easily and was hugely defensive to feedback.
Legendary coach Dawn Staley had to figure out a way to find a connection and break through her shield of self-defense.
So, like many good leaders, she drew on a common life experience to create a foundation for trust.
Staley didn’t build a connection by focusing on her credentials as a basketball coach or the vision she had for Cuevas. Instead, she drew on her own experience growing up in a rough-and-tumble North Philadelphia neighborhood.
Once they swapped stories of learning to play basketball surrounded by inner-city challenges, Cuevas knew she had found a kindred spirit, one worth trusting.
Their relationship soon blossomed, and Cuevas went on to become one of the best guards Staley ever coached.
Finding a common life experience with a team member can sometimes build trust, connection, and influence more quickly than other similarities or demonstrations of caring.
When a leader and team member discover a critical life experience in common—such as career challenges, family adversity, sports, world travel, or medical maladies—it creates a bond of mutual understanding.
The team member views it as a sign that the leader understands who they are more deeply.
Team members who feel historically understood quickly become more comfortable speaking up, sharing ideas, admitting mistakes, and receiving feedback.
Shared life experiences give leaders and team members a common reference point from which to make sense of each other and from which to forge a more meaningful relationship.
The more unique the life experience they share, the more likely they will commit to learning more about each other and use their understanding to build a more effective relationship.
Unfortunately for leaders, the critical life experiences of team members are typically difficult to learn.
Occasionally, they surface in the course of normal disclosure, but inquiring about them directly can feel awkward and off-putting. Many life experiences are far too sensitive to share widely or indiscriminately.
So, leaders must go first to learn more.
Vulnerable leaders who openly share their own life experiences and challenges with others are more likely to encourage them to share theirs.
Once in the open, it is quite common for leaders and team members to learn they share a similar journey from which a deeper connection can be built.
This similarity may only exist with one or two team members, but when it does, it can change the trajectory of those relationships for the better.
Good leaders work to find a connection with everyone they lead. Common life experience is just one of many possible avenues. But it stands alone for its power for instant connection.
The question leaders should ask is this: How many of my most closely held life experiences do I have in common with one or more team members?
What a waste not to learn of this connection if it exists.
