When used as a directive, rather than as an expression, gratitude can be highly coercive.
Telling people they should be grateful chills dissent and legitimate concerns and complaints while dissuading people from challenging the status quo.
Leaders rarely do this intentionally, but the effect is the same nonetheless.
Statements like “You should be grateful for your job,” “You are lucky to have this family behind you,” “Others would do anything to have what you have,” and “Show some appreciation for what I’ve done for you” push people to censor their views and question their own experience.
Any time people are told to be grateful, they naturally feel guilt over expressing their concerns. This consequently helps leaders, parents, and coaches to maintain their power and control in the situation.
Once a leader demands gratitude, any negative expression or feeling is then viewed as unappreciative or even betrayal. This keeps people walking on eggshells and working hard to remain positive, no matter what feelings they have to the contrary.
Just like people, organizations, and team cultures that demand constant positivity and gratitude delegitimize anger, grief, and dissatisfaction in the same way.
Gratitude is a voluntary moral emotion that can’t be directed without becoming an act of control instead.
Asking people what they are grateful for, to elevate their appreciation, has a vastly different impact than demanding that people be grateful.
So why do so many leaders and parents insist on directing gratitude?
Some leaders intentionally control others using this manipulative tactic, but most do it unconsciously to express their own frustration.
Leaders, parents, and coaches who are grateful for the good fortunes they enjoy are often bewildered by those who are less appreciative. It sometimes bothers them immensely when others don’t express their appreciation and gratitude for the prosperity they experience.
So, instead of asking them about what they are grateful for, they weaponize gratitude by telling them they need to count their blessings.
Good leaders resist this siren call and encourage gratefulness by modeling it, inviting it, and making it easy to express. Giving others the opportunity to express their appreciation allows gratitude to flow freely and naturally.
Leaders who regularly notice and name what they are grateful for make it safer and more natural for others to do the same.
If others don’t follow suit, it doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t grateful. They might just need to be asked who and what they are thankful for.
When posed with the question, most people gush.
