Directing people to do things differently invariably means dropping the Should bomb.
Using the word Should is not a request. It is an imperative demand, even if offered politely or with the intention of helping others. When leaders use the word Should, theydo so from a place of power, expertise, or experience. As such, they direct people to a different action or choice.
The alternative to Should is the word Could. When it comes to feedback, Could represents a sharing of power and changes the command to a suggestion to consider another option. We empower others to make the call when we replace Should with Could.
“You should add another story to the presentation” has a very different implication than the statement, “You could add another story to the presentation.” The former statement is a directive, and may even be interpreted as a mandate or command. The latter statement is a suggestion, offering a choice the presenter might consider. Should says, “Do this.” Could says, “Consider this.”
Admonishment loses its sting when leaders shift from Should to Could. “You shouldn’t have interrupted the meeting with your request,” will likely be interpreted as a severe misstep that must not be repeated. Simply replacing Should with Could changes the emphasis of the infraction and creates a learning opportunity. “You could have waited to make your request” suggests there was a better option and you might consider taking it next time.
Most leaders fail to recognize the marked difference between the two words, unintentionally directing others even when they don’t mean to. Once addicted to “ Should,” it is a hard habit to break. Should seems so much more efficient, clear, and direct. All true. Could seems so much more open, relative, and indirect. Also true.
The question is the intended impact a leader wants to impart. Do I want this to be my idea or yours? My choice or yours? My way or yours? There are times for Should and there are times for Could. Yet, most leaders by default land on Should without much thought.
Leaders who wish to empower and create learning choices for others generally or in specific situations “could” consider a more conscious word choice. Replacing Should with Could sounds like an insignificant substitution, but it imparts more meaning than we realize.
Ask yourself this question: Are you a Should leader or a Could leader? Perhaps you could consider a better approach. You really should.
