People who grew up without receiving much praise have an unusual affliction. They often struggle with compliments as adults.
Strangely enough, compliments and praise create real discomfort for them. This isn’t false modesty. They often perceive praise and compliments as disingenuous attempts to influence them. Or as superfluous noise. So, they reject efforts, sometimes harshly.
Their reaction isn’t meant to be offensive or off-putting. They simply interpret praise as unnecessary.
Because they learned as children to depend on their own internal validation, praise directed at them doesn’t register as psychologically rewarding, as it does for other adults. Unless it perfectly matches their own internal accounting, praise and compliments are viewed as words without much value.
Other people’s opinions about them and their work become passive inputs that don’t override their own accounting.
When they fall short, no amount of external praise can balance the scales. When they succeed, they don’t need anyone telling them so.
Team members who consistently deflect praise, change the subject when recognized, and brush off compliments can be exasperating for leaders. What works to encourage and motivate others is entirely ignored by these team members.
But because praise strengthens social bonds, creates warmth and trust, and signals respect, affection, and inclusion, good leaders must find a way to make these team members feel valued even when the typical pathway of positive expression is blocked.
Crafty leaders have learned a secret.
The best way to encourage a praise-allergic team member isn’t through general praise or enthusiastic compliments. It’s through observation.
Observational praise and compliments cut through the noise and positively influence these team members in the same way general praise works with everyone else.
“You did an amazing job” doesn’t register, but “You patiently listened to me when I was agitated” does. The more specific the observation, the better.
Specificity contains data that can be cross-checked and run through their internal validation system. When it matches, these team members light up and respond to the praise just like everyone else.
Stop telling team members who commonly reject compliments that they are “great.” Start telling them what you see them do instead.
Replace “Great job” with “You caught the error before it became a bigger problem.” Substitute “You connected those two ideas quickly” for “You’re so smart.” Say “Your timing in that presentation kept everyone engaged” instead of “You’re a great presenter.”
Describe in detail for them the exceptional work and behavior you witness. Use observation to work around their rejection of general praise.
Better yet, make this a habit for the way you typically give recognition to everyone.
Observation of praise-worthy behavior lands well with all team members, not just those who view praise as uncomfortable and unnecessary.
