People are social creatures who are made happier and healthier by human connection.
Yet, every day, people bypass scores of opportunities to connect.
Research suggests they incorrectly predict that interacting with those they don’t know well will be awkward, uncomfortable, or unwelcome. So, they avoid making connections that would make their lives more satisfying.
The common presumption is that those we don’t yet know will be uninterested in communicating with us and would rather be left alone. People even assume that if they start a conversation, they won’t be liked or make the positive impression they desire.
So, people hold back. The result is fewer conversations and connections that could be highly rewarding.
Most people are much more receptive than people expect. People actually enjoy new conversations, even with strangers. They find small talk and simple pleasantries personally reaffirming. When more substantive conversations occur, both parties typically feel more connected and relevant.
Social psychologist Nicholas Epley has conducted more than 120 experiments on social connection, involving over 30,000 participants.
His overall conclusion is that people underestimate the willingness of others to engage, so they miss opportunities for happiness, trust, and belonging that arise from social interaction.
He recommends erring on the side of reaching out and starting conversations more often than instinct suggests.
Epley offers the following advice based on his research:
- Start more conversations with strangers and people in close proximity, like neighbors and coworkers on other teams. Most conversations go better than expected and leave both parties feeling more connected.
- Don’t trust your forecasts about social discomfort. People are poor predictors of how these interactions will feel. Recognize that your expectations are probably too pessimistic. Push through this anticipated awkwardness and learn to connect.
- Ask deeper questions to create more connection than expected. Many people stay at the level of weather, work, and news because they presume deeper topics will feel intrusive. But people are more interesting than we assume. So get curious and invite them to tell stories about themselves. People want to go deeper and will if they are asked.
You’re probably underestimating how much a conversation will improve both your day and someone else’s. Reach out, talk, and connect more often than your instincts suggest.
The cost of saying hello is lower, and the payoff is higher, than you think.
