Show me someone who excels at creating and nurturing relationships and I will show you a curious soul, someone who is inquisitive and wants to know more about other people. Curiosity is such a critical ingredient of building relationships. You can’t be truly great at relationships without it. Among the many factors that predict a leader who can build strong relationships, genuine curiosity stands out. We can sum up the benefits of curiosity in one simple idea.
When others know you are interested, they take an interest in you and a relationship takes form and grows. People like people who want to know about them. It’s as simple as that.
The problem is that many leaders lack curiosity. Perhaps it is just my observation, but it appears that most leaders I encounter lack curiosity about people, even when they are deeply curious about new developments and innovations. They just don’t have a deep interest in others. This a flaw that will prevent them from building the kind of relationships that make others want to be around them and want them to succeed. If you have this ailment, don’t accept it. Good news: You can teach yourself to be curious if you’re willing to put in the work.
I know this claim sounds like rubbish, but I have experienced dozens of examples where leaders with only a mild interest in learning about others have created a deep appetite and taste for being curious. Let’s talk about how.
Everyone has a backstory. A person’s backstory is the personal history of events, traumas, successes, experiences, and life learnings that have created the person. These events and experiences are unique to every one of us. Sometimes they include the peaks and valleys of life, but just as often the most important stories are learnings we acquire from travel, mentors, and the everyday events we witness that make a mark. We never know another person’s backstory unless we ask, and we are often surprised at what we learn that has shaped who people have become—especially as leaders.
The best leaders teach themselves to become curious by preparing for a test. This is a task anyone can do and it inculcates curiosity in others to be the repetitive force of its questions. Here’s the test: You have the next few weeks to answer, in part, how any person in question became the person they are today. Describe in some small way a piece of their backstory. Ask any questions you would you like.
What you will find is that questions encourage other questions, as you uncover the “why” behind what happened and how any moment influenced the future of the person in focus. You don’t have to learn it all, just a small piece. You do have to uncover just a little bit more in every conversation. In this process of discovery, you will re-discover the child-like curiosity that focusing too much on results and having too many tasks can dilute. Asking questions about others’ backstories teaches us curiosity. Time to get to work.
– RS